Grief Exploration

Written July 2020

I experienced a personal trauma senior year of high school (1998).  

In college, I thought I had dealt with the pain.  “Dealing with it” in operation then was confiding in a small group of trusted friends to confess to them my Biggest Shame.  

In my early twenties, my trauma resurfaced in intense nightmares.  At the time, I was apprenticing in an acupuncture clinic and martial arts lineage.  My nightmares got the best of me.  My subconscious night terrors accosted me in broad daylight.  I was practicing in my martial arts class.  We were physically working through small blade (knife) combat.  My nightmare came flashing forward, full speed and knocked me into a full blown panic attack.  

Now:  if I can put you in this scene… I am the only female in the dojo with a wide range of males.  The males span age-groups, life paths, sons and fathers, careers and badassery.  Males are not generally known for their ability to “handle” a crying female.  

We were learning to be lethal - while at the same time hold the Peaceful Warrior’s heart.  We were learning how to face our deepest fears - including death and the conscious ending of a life.

So there I was, my whole body freezing - and then doubling over and hyperventilating in tears - in front of my whole class.

I left the practice mat crying - physically shaking, terrified by the nightmare’s intrusion and entanglement in my waking life.  

My Mentor and Teacher in all of this was compassionate.  My Sensei is also a Healer Acupuncturist.  I had previously confided in him and he knew EXACTLY why I was having the nightmares and panic attack.  

The next day, we talked about my experience in the dojo.  Compassionately and gently, he questioned if I could make any correlation between my dream,  my tearful, fearful reaction on the mat, and my trauma.  

Logically, the correlation makes perfect sense.  Because I was in the muck, mud and misery - I couldn’t get myself out of the mess. My nightmares were saying, “Karrie - you need to deal with this stuff - or we are going to keep sending you these memos!”

 My Healing Sensei was the guide I needed.  Sensei helped create the space I needed in my life and in my body to heal.  

He gave me an acupuncture treatment.  I had a BIG SHIFT - what I call a “little enlightenment along the way.”  This is the vision I had while I was laying on the treatment table.

I could see a glowing light.  Soft and yellow-white.  Soothing.  (I’ll ask you to envision a Wil O’ the Wisp or a fairy, firefly looking light in the darkness within my body.)  

The light was trapped where I experience my trauma.  The radiating light left the trauma place, playfully flew into my heart and made my heart glow from within.  I felt warm and content.  

This vision - twenty years later - is still balm on my Soul.

The healing continues to wash over me in waves.  Each cleansing and beckons to new and deeper self-awareness. 

Thank you, Sensei.

Thank you, Healers.

Thank you, Listeners.